Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Depression = No drive

I wanted to make a post about why I have been lacking in drive and motivation to write and I decided to make it just a mini series of posts for those who may be going through the same thing.

I have not been writing as much as I was for most of this year because in the middle of June, I developed depression and I didn't have the courage until recently to start talking about. I even feel very guilty right now typing this because I have not even told my two best friends that I had depression. I mainly didn't tell them because I didn't want them to tend to me. I wanted them to think I was fine so that they could treat me the same way and not treat me like a depressed person.

I was isolating myself, putting myself down and making myself feel like absolute worthless shit. The two things I really wanted to do this summer was to finally read more books and write more posts because I finally had the drive that I have been waiting 3 summers to have and just like that it was gone.

I still do not have the drive I once had earlier in the summer and said lack of drive only prevents me from writing even more. I  think I can say that I do not "have as much" depression if that is even a correct way to describe things. But I still find my appetite not being where I want to be and I have not been going to the gym as much as I previously was but I am still going to the gym every week nonetheless. 

I also didn't have the courage to write about my depression because of how long I had it. I ended up being depressed for about a month and a half, maybe two months before I started feeling like myself again. I thought that amount of time was not adequate compared to others who have had depression for many months of many years so I felt like I could not relate to them.

It took me quite some time to realize that it is not necessarily about the amount of time but what you felt and did during that amount of said time. 

I want to believe that I am not as depressed as before because I do feel much happier than before and I do feel more like myself again. But when it comes to my reading and writing, I can't help but to worry that maybe there is still something lingering because I struggle just as much as before when it comes to writing and when it comes to writing something that I am actually proud of.

I also get anxiety sometimes which is one of the worst things I have experienced. But I will say that for me, dealing and trying to get past depression was way scarier than having anxiety. When I have anxiety, I am going back and forth with myself about things that I know are okay but my anxiety wants to tell me other wise. Unfortunately, it does take some time for my anxiety to fade. The other day it took about 6 hours for my anxiety to fully fade. But when it comes to depression, it is a completely different ball park to me and for me.

When my depression was at its worst, I could not talk to anyone. I was crying almost all the time for no apparent reason. I was crying because I was sad and I felt sad because I was sad. There was nothing in particular that I was sad about. I was crying for the plain fact that I was feeling sad due to me being depressed. When it came to the crying all the time, it was very hard not to cry in public. It was very difficult not to run somewhere secluded where I can scream and whale at the top of my lungs until I felt some type of feeling again because I did experience some emotional numbness.

When I was or was not crying, I was isolating myself from all of my friends and my parents. I could not bring myself to talk to anyone. My depression was telling me not to talk to anyone because I didn't deserve to. My depression was also telling me what a piece of shit I was and how worthless I was. That part had to be the worst for me; when my depression was trying to convince me of how worthless I was and in the beginning, I believed it. Anytime my depression would belittle or demean me, I'd let it and I'd agree.

But over time, I refused to let myself think that way because of the years of hard work of working on myself and my happiness. That was what helped me a lot to get out of my depression.; my resilience and refusal to lose. I began to just refuse to be like that with myself and I kept fighting and pushing until there was nothing telling me that I was nothing because that was the biggest lie it could say to me.

I have worked extremely hard to become the person I am today. That was another reason why I felt so ashamed to talk about my depression. I had worked so hard to become genuinely happy and then for my coping skills not to work and still developed depression. I felt like I failed myself and I probably did. But staying down just was not an option for me.

For now, I am going to end this here because I'm starting to feel spent. I finally found some energy to write this post because I can only imagine how many people are going through depression right now as I'm writing this or the amount of people who were on a similar boat as me.

Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me if you had a friend with some mental health issues and what you did to help make you friend feel better.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care <3

Sunday, July 16, 2017

How not to Travel

I recently traveled and I ended up having a terrible time. The trip was so bad that it ended up affecting my mental health which was something I didn't think would occur; I always took myself to have great coping skills. My mental health journey is something that I decided to write about but I will when I am ready. I still do not feel like myself and I want to take my time with this and not beat myself up. All I want to do is to return to feeling like myself. As for now, enjoy this post and I apologize for being so late.

Rule number one to traveling is to travel with people you want to travel with, want to share a living space with and want to explore with. When you travel, you know there is going to be a lot of exploring. 

You should not be surprised at how fast a trip can go from mediocre to infuriating when you are traveling with people you do not want to be with and this includes family. Don't travel with family if they're too uptight when traveling and all they know is to bitch and complain about situations instead of taking some course of action. For example. 

People who complain instead of actually doing something to fix an issue are not the people or person to travel with.

Traveling is suppose to be fun for everyone; something you can all share together. But everyone needs to play a role in ensuring that they're collectively have a good time.

Rule number too, make sure to get someone to double check everything you packed to make sure you do not forget anything. You can think you have everything and next thing you know, you forgot your phone charger and have to buy a new one when you get your destination. Good thing most of the world have plenty of shared technology.

I do not have many rules here aside from stressing not to go with people you think might turn out okay because you need to know things are going to be okay before hand.

I traveled with family, only one member, and it was practically a nightmare, again, I didn't learn from the first time. You never want to intentionally hurt anyone's feelings, including family but why go somewhere else to share a different living space if you're already annoyed in your actual home?

It was my mistake and I do not plan to travel with my family member next time. Saying again, my mistake. 

If you get along with your family members enough to travel then by all means, go have a great time with your family. That sort of stuff does not apply to me and I want to have as much space as I can from my family.

Remember, there is nothing wrong with having space between your loved ones and there is nothing wrong with asking for some personal space from the person, not the actual relationship(s). Another thing I have to stress because some people break up from others thinking they need a break from the relationship when it was just the person, they just needed some them time and didn't know how to ask for it.

Just to play devil's advocate, if you ask for personal time for yourself and your partner has a problem with you having a day to yourself, then you should rethink things with your partner or have a serious talk with them because there is no big deal for you to go out shopping for the day or go to the gym for the day or even to have dinner with yourself. Some people enjoy solitude and there is nothing wrong with that. You can still have a thriving relationship with your partner and still have your personal time along with your partner having time to themselves as well.

I also do this and rant about things off topic but I can't help it, so many ideas.

But I will end things here for now and I hope you enjoyed this post. Please share it with your friends and leave me some constructive comments. Let me know how I'm doing.

Everything I say here is merely a suggestion. No matter what I suggest, you can make the final decision in what you think is best for you. Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me what your dreams were when you were younger.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care <3

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Sunrise or Sunset?

I realized that I have never really made a "laid back" post that was not about something important or something I thought was wrong that I had to write about, etc. That is something I should do more from time to time.

So taking another prompt from my '300 writing prompts' book, do you guys prefer the sunrise or the sunset? This one was a toughy for me because I love both when the sun is rising and when the sun is setting. This one was really hard despite being a simple question.

In the end, I decided to write how I do love both and I cannot pick one because when I see the sunrise it tells me that it is time to get up and go out. It tells me that I have so much time and I have a day ahead of me to get done as many activities and/errands that I see fit.

When I see the sunset, it is telling me that is it time to head to bed. It tells me that it is time to rest after a busy day and to recharge for the next day.

I appreciate the sunrise and the sunset because it is the times of the day that are the most relaxing to me. When people wake up, they wake up soundly, hopefully, to a calming sunrise which can be very relaxing. The hues of oranges and yellows in the clear blue sky if that day is sunny is all very soothing when I think about it.

When it comes to the sunset, you get to see all the hues of purples and blues mixed together with the shades of yellows and oranges. Also, the sun isn't as bright when it is rising and setting so most of us can look towards the sun without our eyes burning; the sun is most easy to gaze at during these periods of the day.

Anyway, I plan to make more posts like this because honestly, there is so much going on in the world right now that it is nice to get away from all the injustice that are going on right now to recharge for tomorrow and continue the fight. But for now, relax, watch some TV and eat your favorite snack.

Everything I say here is merely a suggestion. No matter what I suggest, you can make the final decision in what you think is best for you. Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me which you like better? Sunrise or Sunset?

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care <3

300 Writing Prompts Book

I bought this book that has 300 different writing prompts as another way to keep myself inspired when it comes to my writing. I know my writing is good compared to others but I never want to be cocky when it comes to my writing. 

As of late, I have been making some moves I've never saw myself making. I have actually made more accounts on websites that focus mainly on writing and how to improve our writing skills. I actually cannot believe how motivated I have been feeling when it comes to writing. I have been consistent for quite a couple weeks now and of course I have had days that includes no sort of writing because that is what happens when we make goals for ourselves; we eventually tire out and don't want to touch anything having to do with our goals.

Is that bad? No. Not in particular.

It does not mean that we have given up. It mainly means we're tired and want a break to recharge and rejuvenate our creative fountains. Being creative, in my opinion, can be so difficult, tiring, and sometimes even demanding if you have a fan-base and if you have an extremely large fan-base things may be highly demanding. 

For those who are interested in buying the book, you can buy it here on Amazon for about 10 dollars. It has been a great tool for me thus far. Even on days I don't write for my posts I don't feel as guilty because I have a book that is full of ideas; some creativity is bound to come from somewhere in my infinite mind.

A prompt I wanted to talk about is,"Why do you think some people are successful and others are not?" I recommend this prompt for anyone who is willing to take a wack at it. What I wrote in my book is, "There is the Google definition to the word 'successful' which is accomplishing an aim or purpose. When it comes to the synonyms, words such as leading, thriving, brilliant and triumphant mean successful as well. What it personally means to be successful is all up to the individual. Why some people succeed and other don't? They didn't want it. I'm not going to say enough because either you want it or you don't. When you want something you pursue until the day you have it or something similar even. When you're hungry, you're looking around until you find food."

Keep in mind, this book has the prompts and the challenge is you are either given a page or half a page to answer the prompt. This one is half a page so my answer does not sound well. But I ended up getting inspired to elaborate some more and here we are.

I wanted to give a definition of the word 'success' for people to keep that in mind when reading my prompt answer. Going off the definition, what it means to be successful means to accomplish an aim or purpose. If someone feels their purpose is to be a writer and they become one, they're now considered successful. We as "ordinary" people see plenty of celebrities, those on YouTube for example, who are considered successful to us because we see them thriving and living comfortable lives - more comfortable than us we feel sometimes. 

But they do not consider themselves to be successful because they feel that they have yet to accomplish their aims and/or purpose. That is why I wrote, "what it personally means to be successful is all up to the individual." We all have goals we want to achieve. But are we considered successful as soon as we hit that goal? We can consider ourselves successful by definition because we accomplished an aim.

Our society has taught us that we are not considered "successful" until we have some form of thriving business, known around the world, make a bountiful amount of money or have a successful career where we no longer have to worry about our finances. Even by society's definition there are more than one way to become successful. But why do I think some people become successful and other's don't. I put because they didn't want their goal and that is how it is for some people. 

They set a goal, say they'll do it and never get around to it. They didn't want it.

What about for those who try all the time and never achieve? They probably did achieve said goal and didn't notice. I know that is something that happens sometimes. Again, with the successful YouTubers. They're very well known throughout the web and are offered opportunities every once in a while. I consider that to be successful because they don't really have to worry about money as much as I do. Some might not feel as if they are successful because they haven't reached a specific goal. But that does not mean they aren't successful; it probably just hasn't hit some of them how successful they really are and it happens sometimes.

Some people get so caught up in pursuing their goals that they're not sure where to really stop or when. Some know they don't want to stop pursing but others genuinely don't know how to stop pursuing a goal even after they've achieved it. Just feels weird to some because they got so used to putting so much time to getting to their goals and one day they are there and what is next? 

Make a new goal? Maybe? The next thing can be whatever they want it to be.

Overall, if you want something, you will keep going until you get to it if you really want it with all your might. Why I think some don't? There are always so many reasons why someone does not become successful but I still round back to what I said previously, they didn't want it. People who become successful wanted to reach their goal so bad that they made sacrifices they thought they never make. Even if it's losing hours of sleep or losing time socializing; those are sacrifices. They're not big to some but are to others. Sacrifices vary among the individual.  

Those who don't succeed, they always come up with some excuse not to work towards their goals. They didn't have time, they were tired, their kids got in the way, work was too much this week, their spouse wanted a date night, the internet was down, there was no electricity so they couldn't type, their keyboard got too dirty because their kids spilled something on it, it was their best friend's birthday, they had to go to a wedding and etc etc etc.

Those actives and events are part of our everyday lives and successful people do all of these things too so what makes those who are not successful so special that they couldn't pursue their dreams while successful people are doing the same things as them if not more? What is their real excuse for not pursuing their dreams? There are none. Either you want to pursue your dream or you don't. It's that simple. You start somewhere and go from there but you have to work towards it or else you'll never get it.

You don't have time? Find it. You were tired? Take a nap and do something right after you wake up. You kids got in the way? Tell them you have something very important to do, they'll understand. Work was too much? Do something before or after work, heck, during lunch do something to go for your dreams. You spouse wanted a date night? Do something after you get home. There was no electricity? We have pen and paper, jot something down. You keyboard was too dirty? Hurry the fuck up and clean and keep working! You best friend had a birthday party or someone got married? Do something after or before! There was time to do all of these things so how come there is no time when it comes to your dreams or goals? You have the time. You're just not giving it to your dreams because you think it'll randomly come true one day if you keep thinking about it long enough. That is not how making dreams come true works. 

You have to want it and envision it with all you heart. If you don't know which way to walk you're not going to walk down the path that is best for you. Find you path! Envision it! Next, work... After you figure out what you want, work towards it. Wanna be a writer? Write. Want to be a doctor? Study medicine. Want to be a dancer? Practice and exercise almost everyday and put yourself out there. Make videos of you dancing and go to dance places and ask around for dance companies to apply for and meet the supervisors there. Ask to talk to the people in charge and tell them how passionate you are about your dream. But you have to get up and go somewhere towards your dreams!

I will end things here. I got very passionate with this post and I think this is a good place to take things down a notch and breath. I just want to become a writer to some extent so badly. I have to keep writing. I know one day I will work in the mental health field but I don't know if I'll ever be a writer. Which means I have to keep writing until I do. Follow your dreams guys. Everything I say here is merely a suggestion. No matter what I suggest, you can make the final decision in what you think is best for you. Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me what your dreams were when you were younger.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care <3

Saturday, July 1, 2017

My Internet is down

When I'm trying to finally be more consistent but my Internet decides not to cooperate.

My Internet is going to back down for who knows how long. Spectrum is "working" on it. I'm sorry to those who actually read my stuff. Until then, try to enjoy my precious post until I can post again hope fully by next week

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Different Writers

I wanted this post to be for writers like me. Writers who have been writing for a very long time, or even writers who have just started or who want to start writing, but has showed their work to barely anyone. Those writers who when they were growing up, they might not have had the best time in school or in any particular place they were at often that they can’t help but to hold onto just because they can’t forget. Any writer that was experiencing a tough time when they were older and felt that they wrote their best stuff at that time or they felt they could have written their best stuff at the time and didn’t. I am both. I feel like I have written some of my best stuff when I was a bullied child and teenager. I also feel I have written some of the darkest stuff at the time too. Some of the poems I had written, the place where it was written from, was in now an old file from my memory; that time in my life feels almost erased.

It was not very long ago now that I had gone back to my old writing in an older computer and some of the stuff was very dark, disturbing, and mainly concerning. I think what I was going through at the time showed and sadly I just never noticed because of the faith I had in myself.

I also think I had a very hard time transitioning from being bullied all the time by almost everyone in my classroom to no one at all. My mind had gotten so used to dealing with the harassment, the name calling, the pushing, the hurtful teasing, the belittling and humiliation; my mind had gotten so used to it that it thought it always had to happen because it always did. I still remember having a moment when I thought, “No one is going to bully me?...”

It’s beyond sad for a kid to be bullied so much that they thought it was weird when they weren’t being harassed in some way or form; what became their norm.

Despite everything I was going through at the time, for some reason, I never lost faith in myself or what I was capable of doing at the time. I felt if I did lose hope in myself, then I would have lost myself completely and who knows what else could have happened to me. I guess no matter how many people said they didn’t like me or didn't want to be around me, I showed myself, in a way, that I wanted to be with me and I should keep being around because who else was going to be with me aside from myself? There was no reason not to be my best company. I never noticed at the time but as I’m typing, I loved myself more than I have ever realized.

All of that before, I was able to put into my writing and now that I’m older, I wish I had written more.  Maybe I could have gotten over things faster if I had spent more time writing, if I was able to find a space where I felt I could truly be myself and not have any worries and just write.

I know there will always be people saying that writing is easy, it is just putting words down on paper but there is more beyond writing down some random words on random paper; this is a skill. Not everyone can write well but everyone can definitely write and it goes for almost every skill. Everyone can learn to cook but not everyone will cook well for example.

I know I went in a different direction with this post but we as writers want to bring our readers to a place they have been wanting to go. We want our readers to not only be entertained but to feel their emotions and to be comfortable with said emotions. We want our readers to have a good time and stay for the entire ride. Even if they may not like the ending that’s okay because some are not going to like the ending. Some people are going to hate the beginning and despite the middle and that is fine because they are reacting. It is so bad that they have to react and they have to tell people how bad it is. Similar with movies; they have to tell other people how bad it is. The more people talk about how bad our writing it, the more likely that there will be people who will go and read it for themselves our of sheer curiosity; to truly experience how bad our writing really is.

Then one day, we write something that is really good. Those people who went around saying our stuff was bad, is going to find that good piece of writing and will see how good it is. Those people still have us in mind even we really end up writing some terrible garbage. Once they see that the writing is not garbage, they may be so shocked that they like it so much that they have to go around telling the same friends that the person who used to right poorly is now writing some good shit and they have to tell everyone.

Some people say humans are mysteriously creatures. I disagree because as humans, we adapt to our surroundings in a short amount a time. With adaptions comes tendencies. We have a lot of tendencies and as writers, writers who want to become someone one day, I think it is important to use our tendencies to our advantages to find ways to get our stories out there to said people because when we think something is trash, we tell people. On the other side, when we think something is amazing, we never keep that sort of thing to ourselves. 

The title of my post is 'different writers' because that is who we are, different writers. We are not the same writers we were when we were kids, when we were teenagers, and not yesterday. I know it will not feel like it all the time but we are different writers and we will continue to develop. That is why it is important to continue to embrace our writing and trust in it. We wrote what we wrote for a reason.

So keep writing...

I will end things here. Everything I say here is merely a suggestion. No matter what I suggest, you can make the final decision in what you think is best for you. Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and share with me how long you've been writing and which genre is your favorite to write.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care <3

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Writer's Block Suck

If any one of you guys out there consider yourself to be a writer of some kind, then you know very well how much it sucks to have writer's block especially when all you want to do is write.

I noticed that the older I get, the more writer's block I am able to experience. It sucks because when I was much younger, I don't think I have ever gotten writer's block, I was always writing some kind of story in my notebook no mater how short or long it was; there was always a story written.

As I've gotten older, gained more responsibilities including sustaining and maintaining my mental, physical, and spiritual health, it can be hard to find some time to sit down for at least an hour and just type or write.

I know I need to be somewhere quiet with just my thoughts and my parents can sound like four loud people even though it is just them two. That is the reason why I usually write when they go to sleep but of course, it is night time and either a lot of my ideas have faded or I am just too tired to get anything down on my devices or paper. It fucking sucks.

I have had nights where I have had some great ideas and couldn't get the down because I'd either be still half asleep and I'm not thinking to write down my ideas, I'm thinking about going back to sleep.

Growing up, I do not think I had a lot of books where I just wrote stories, I remember only having one, big, yellow, spiral notebook that I wrote a bunch of stories in. Everything else I have are just my journals for my personal writing; not for the world to see.

I have tried buying big notepads thinking they would work but I found myself not  really writing in them. I did a few summers ago but sadly, it did not workout well. Then I tried carrying an even smaller notebook around and that didn't work either for me. Maybe I should go back to my roots and d what I did when I was a kid; just carry around a regular spiral notebook; nothing too fancy.

This summer, I want to try to write more than I have in the past few summers. My mentor feels a sense of responsibility to get my foot in a door somewhere that has to do with writing. I'm not sure if she wants me to get published but she wants my writing to be recognized somehow. As terrifying as that is, I do too. I do want to be a published writer at some point. I do want a handful of my books to be a best-seller. I want to be a best-selling author or a best-seller in a category for a while. I would want some of my books and/or novels to receive some form of reward because I'd want my books to feel good and be recognized for who they are; wonderful works of art for everyone to read and enjoy.

I'm talking about books like they're people. They're not people but they're beyond special to me. Whatever I have written since I was young, even if I do not know where they are anymore, they are still beyond special to me. I have been writing for years and it is just a huge part of me and what makes me, me... All I want is for people to read what I have been writing for years, months, days, and to just react to my writing. I know if I get some form of reaction, even if it is a disgusted reaction, my writing is good because it made the reader feel something. Anything...

So if you consider yourself to be a writer of whatever genre, this summer, write something. Even if it's just a poem.

I will end things here. Everything I say here is merely a suggestion. No matter what I suggest, you can make the final decision in what you think is best for you. Please follow me on TWITTER @midnighthuee and tell me what you do when you're experiencing writer's block.

Smile. Try to do one good deed each day and until next time, Take Care <3